I have been laying awake all night. I don't think I have ever truly had my heart broken before. I can't say that anymore. Tom is gone. I know that. The very last morsel of hope I had for this relationship has been consumed and now there is nothing left.
Every time he moves in his sleep I secretly hope he is going to roll over and hold me like he used to. Every time I look at him and he looks at me I think he is going to tell me he loves me. He doesn't. That is gone. When we sit on the couch together I wait for him to hold my hand or put his arm around me. Instead he sits there as stiff as a board and I want to crumble. I wait. He is gone.
He wants me to wait for him to talk to someone and figure his life out. Why do I? Why do I always wait for everyone else to make my decisions?
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
how do i do this thing called life?
Where am I? Who am i? What am I doing? Why am I here? All I have ever dreamed of is having a husband who loves me and I love him, having children of our own, and having a happy home. That was my intention. That is what i wanted.
Fast forward to my life today and I am a divorced 34 year old woman with three children living with a man who is more fucked up than I knew was possible. I have known what it was like to be loved, treasured and cherished. I found that love nearly fifteen years ago. The problem was I was too young to realize how good that felt, and the feeling was not truly reciprocated. I found a guy a few years later who was just as fly by the seat of your pants as I was. i found someone who was willing to do what I wanted and move at the pace i wanted. Forget the fact that he was also the wrong man. I also did not love him the way i should have. I thought i did...maybe I did...but to make me tick no he was not. I tried though. I felt alone in my marriage but never cheated and never could have. Even given the opportunities I couldn't.
I left him...well we left each other. We both agreed we were not right for each other. So what did I do? I ran...no...I sprinted to the next mistake. I found another man who acted like he loved me in the way I so desperately wanted and needed and craved all those years. The only problem was...I built him up in my mind to the point he wasn't even real. I wanted to finally build the family I had been wanting so i pushed and turned a deaf ear on this poor man. He agreed to come into my jail walls blindly not even knowing what he was walking into. And this man...a man who is so broken, sad, empty, and shallow. He is incapable of loving another human being, aside from his family...no I cant say that. He loves his children, his parents and his family. He even loves his ex wife though he will never admit it.
He doesn't have the first clue how to treat a woman. He looks at women as sexual objects and then after he has sex witht hem they are there for him to trample on. It is a game. That is it. There is no emotion inside of him. He has been married twice and both exes cheated on him. i know why! poor women! He is so self absorbed it would never occur to him to think about someone else and put them before himself. He is a cheater. He is a liar. He is shallow. He is selfish. He doesn't know how to love another human being. I am sure if he read this it would not even phase him because he doesn't care. He is like a rock...not a good rock...an emotionless rock.
So why the hell do I care? Why do I waste my emotions on this person? Is it the idea of a man I am in love with him? He does not offer me anything. I am so above him and can do so much better and i know that. Everyone tells me that. Do i just feel sorry for him? I wish I could answer that. I try so hard not to care. I try to be his roommate. I try but he always has to one up me. He is a skanky man who is attracted to skanky women and wouldn't think twice about going to a dirty bar and having some skank get him off and not tell me. I know this. Why do I care???? I deserve far better than that. He will never in a million years be even close to what I am looking for. How do I live with this person who gave me HPV and didn't give a shit? How do I live with someone who treats me like Brian Stanley did until July? Why did I make such a monstrous mistake?
I dont know what to do. I dont want to live because all i know how to do is make mistakes. All I want to do is love and be loved. Why is that so hard? Am I that unlovable? Am I that fat and unattractive that no one wants to have sex with me? Why do all of these other people in the world have happy marriages and I cant even make it work with a man who should be appreciating me.
Fast forward to my life today and I am a divorced 34 year old woman with three children living with a man who is more fucked up than I knew was possible. I have known what it was like to be loved, treasured and cherished. I found that love nearly fifteen years ago. The problem was I was too young to realize how good that felt, and the feeling was not truly reciprocated. I found a guy a few years later who was just as fly by the seat of your pants as I was. i found someone who was willing to do what I wanted and move at the pace i wanted. Forget the fact that he was also the wrong man. I also did not love him the way i should have. I thought i did...maybe I did...but to make me tick no he was not. I tried though. I felt alone in my marriage but never cheated and never could have. Even given the opportunities I couldn't.
I left him...well we left each other. We both agreed we were not right for each other. So what did I do? I ran...no...I sprinted to the next mistake. I found another man who acted like he loved me in the way I so desperately wanted and needed and craved all those years. The only problem was...I built him up in my mind to the point he wasn't even real. I wanted to finally build the family I had been wanting so i pushed and turned a deaf ear on this poor man. He agreed to come into my jail walls blindly not even knowing what he was walking into. And this man...a man who is so broken, sad, empty, and shallow. He is incapable of loving another human being, aside from his family...no I cant say that. He loves his children, his parents and his family. He even loves his ex wife though he will never admit it.
He doesn't have the first clue how to treat a woman. He looks at women as sexual objects and then after he has sex witht hem they are there for him to trample on. It is a game. That is it. There is no emotion inside of him. He has been married twice and both exes cheated on him. i know why! poor women! He is so self absorbed it would never occur to him to think about someone else and put them before himself. He is a cheater. He is a liar. He is shallow. He is selfish. He doesn't know how to love another human being. I am sure if he read this it would not even phase him because he doesn't care. He is like a rock...not a good rock...an emotionless rock.
So why the hell do I care? Why do I waste my emotions on this person? Is it the idea of a man I am in love with him? He does not offer me anything. I am so above him and can do so much better and i know that. Everyone tells me that. Do i just feel sorry for him? I wish I could answer that. I try so hard not to care. I try to be his roommate. I try but he always has to one up me. He is a skanky man who is attracted to skanky women and wouldn't think twice about going to a dirty bar and having some skank get him off and not tell me. I know this. Why do I care???? I deserve far better than that. He will never in a million years be even close to what I am looking for. How do I live with this person who gave me HPV and didn't give a shit? How do I live with someone who treats me like Brian Stanley did until July? Why did I make such a monstrous mistake?
I dont know what to do. I dont want to live because all i know how to do is make mistakes. All I want to do is love and be loved. Why is that so hard? Am I that unlovable? Am I that fat and unattractive that no one wants to have sex with me? Why do all of these other people in the world have happy marriages and I cant even make it work with a man who should be appreciating me.
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