Where do I begin. I am now a 36 year old woman who feels like she is 40. Maybe 50. This time last year I was on cloud 9. Now I am searching every day for some morsel of a reason to make me smile. Everyone I love around me I am pushing them away. I feel it. I know it. I miss my friends and family when they are not around, however, when I am around them I want to push them away and be left alone. I know how I get. I get extremely agitated and irritable and I know no one wants to be around that. I don't want them to see me like this so I want them to leave. However when I am alone I ache to be loved, needed, wanted and liked.
Why do I feel this way? I have no idea. I think I have gone through so many bad things in life that i felt like my life was finally turning around. This time last year I was graduating Magna Cum Laude in graphic design. I was taking photographs which made my heart smile. I was getting jobs regularly for graphic design and felt like I was really on my way. I was the most in shape I have been since before having kids. I felt alive. I felt sexy. I was running a 5k a few times a week (and I was NEVER a distance runner). I had a lot of friends who wanted to be around me. I had men flirting with me and looking at me. I had a great boyfriend whom I thought adored me and would want to marry me. I finally survived all of the shit life dealt me over the previous 10 years and now was my time to shine! I had the world in the palm of my hand. I woke up every day loving what was coming toward me. My parents were finally so proud of me. I was proud of me.
Now a year later I am crumbling inside and out. I am working as a bank teller. When I was 19 I got a job as a bank teller and moved up to be a branch assistant and eventually a mortgage underwriter. Now I am back at square one. I feel so stupid. So small. So insignificant. I do get some graphic design jobs but to be honest, my time is so limited that when I do get a new job my stomach turns as I wonder where the hell I will get the time to do this now. It is not fun at all. I feel like I am not good at it and have completely lost confidence. I am no longer asked to do any photography. I know I could just go out and shoot some for myself but why? When do I even have time? I know my industry is heading toward all online stuff and hardly any print. I don't like the internet side of it. No...I think I hate it. I am not a technical person so i feel frustrated as to where I am going. I feel like this time next year i will no longer be doing graphic design or photography and will be scraping by as a stupid bank teller. Great.
As of right now financially, I am finally at a point where I have just enough money to get by. It feels good to look around my house and know that I am completely running and supporting this house for my children. For the first time in many many many years I feel somewhat ok financially. I don't have extra money but I have enough to pay for the necessities. However, I know that come August 1 I will be losing $500 every month since I will no longer receive alimony. Then what? Back to having no idea how I am going to pay my bills, buy food and not to mention give the kids clothes, shoes, supplies and things they need. That makes me want to crawl in a dark hole.
I feel so rejected. I don't know what is wrong with me. Growing up I loved my family. We have so many happy memories throughout my entire childhood and that is what I envisioned for myself. That is my ultimate goal and dream and I will in no way be satisfied until I have that. But maybe that is not me. Maybe I am not the type of girl men want to marry. I have a man whom I thought wanted to marry me but I know he doesn't want to and that hurts. I want to build a life with a man who, once again, doesn't want this. Doesn't want me. I don't know how to handle that. I don't want to handle it anymore so I have been pushing him away. i want him to go away but yet I don't know what I would do without him. He is the perfect guy for me-everything I have ever wanted. He fits the mold of my ideal husband like Cinderella fit into the glass slipper. No one else could replace him. But he doesn't want to be a family and I need to let that go. I can't.
I guess the bottom line is my life is going in reverse. Once I hit my plateau of being happy someone flipped the switch to reverse and I am out of control. I look around me and the world is filled with everything I want but I am starting to feel like those things will never touch my life. I see successful people, or even just average people with a full time job, supporting themselves and their children and being happy. I see TV commercials of women's clothing and I know if I stay on the path I am on I will never be able to afford to buy the things to make me feel good about the way I look. Unless I change something I will always be poor. I don't want to be poor but frankly, I am so depressed and I have no energy or confidence to change my life. I am the only one to change the way my life is but I am so pissed off that I have to do it alone along with everything else in my life. Married people have their partner to help with simple things like taking care of the house, laundry, grocery shopping, meal planning, homework, bills, lugging kids from point A to point B to point C, worrying about who will watch the kids when I am at work, over the summer, worrying about the kids diet, worrying that they don't get enough exercise, worrying about Jacob with Autism, worrying about Jordan and whether or not he is on the right medication, worrying about Jacob being bullied, trying to talk to his councilor about the fact that he is obsessed with guns, knives and wondering if he will someday bring them to school. These things swirl in my head all day every day. I wake up ever night at 3 or 4 and can't go back to sleep. I just want it all to stop.
Yesterday I went to the doctor because I have been having a lot of pain in my right breast. I am going to have a diagnostic mammogram to see if there is cancer. How fucked up is it that I hope they find some sort of cancer just so I can go away. I hate myself. I hate my life. I love my kids. That is what keeps me going.
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